“One of the uses of the physical world is a contemplative one: it provides insight into the invisible revealed by things that are made.”
- St. Augustine
Home from my 48th year of vision questing immersed for six days in nature by a beautiful lake surrounded by majestic mountains in the High Sierra. Catching up on my mail a headline in the 2021October issue of Scientific American catches my eye, “A mismatch between theory and experiment from muons points to possible new particles and forces of nature.” Hmmm. “forces of nature.” I was just emerged for six days and nights out in “the forces of nature" all around me, above me, below me. Reading the article I am curious to see if what scientists studying nature inside laboratories fits in anyway with what I have been studying about nature while actually in nature. My tools were looking, feeling, sensing, listening and contemplation of what I was experiencing.
Contemplation, described by author Tim Lilburn in his book Living In the World As If It Were Home, is "an insistent noetic desire to understand the world as message bearing…an inquiry into the nature of reality…opening to the singing and dreaming of things for the world, by hints, helps us unravel the meaning of an infinite mind.” This is precisely the kind of contemplation and understanding I cultivate on vision quest. Speaking of understanding, muons are subatomic particles produced by cosmic rays in earth’s atmosphere, 10,000 of which pass through our bodies every minute without any conscious awareness of their passage. That is a lot of action to be unaware of, to say the least. What else passes through us unnoticed as we go about our daily lives? To answer that question I go into nature - mountains, forest and desert to pursue contemplative knowing that in Lilburn's words, "does not seek to subdue the world but to dwell in it ... a homecoming to what is ... a mind humbled and sharpened, made keen for love."
I go on quest to open and attune to whatever presents itself which consistently elicits a confrontation with my reactivity patterns and shadow. Sound grim? It is, for awhile, but those are the guardians at the gate that I have to face in order to open the attunement channel to the "forces of nature". This work feeds my soul. It charges my spiritual batteries. It also challenges me with homework, to integrate the quest insights gained from contemplative knowing into my ongoing life.
I entered this quest as I was transitioning into my twelfth, seven year cycle turning 77 in January of 2022. I sought guidance on what is most important for me to pay attention to as I enter this new cycle. If I make it to the end of it I will be eighty-four years old and who knows what kind of shape I will be in then and what kind of shape the world will be in as well. Given a recent fall, slamming into the concrete side of the neighborhood pool when my leg mysteriously slipped out from under me and just missed smashing my head into the side as well, what I call Death Making A Gesture, I am just happy to be alive now and able to put one foot in front of the other. If I had hit my head there was a good chance it could have knocked me out and I would have drowned in the pool. There was no one else there. I felt blessed to be alive and able to go on quest instead of being dead or home in a full body cast for months immobilized by broken bones.
I was totally out of condition with no exercise of any kind for six weeks due to the demands of travel and the fall two weeks prior, painfully bruising my left side ribs, thigh and calf. Fortunately nothing broken but hard to breathe. I didn’t know if I would be able to carry a backpack over miles of uphill hiking to the quest site located at nine thousand feel elevation. Driving the six and a half hour to meet the eight other questers I hoped for the best but also prepared myself mentally to accept that I might not be able to make it, I might have to remain by myself in the parking lot while the others went on ahead. I download some of my gear to several younger and stronger questers who offered to help carry my heaviest gear, my bear canister filled with food, and a few other items. I hoist up my pack, strap in and stand up. My body seems to be ok with it. I take some Advil as preventative medicine and off we go. Everything is working. Hooray! Now to get there.
The trail into the destination lake that was to be our quest site was about four miles as the crow flies, following a gurgling creek through forest of aspen and pine, towering mountains on either side of us as we began the thousand foot elevation climb towards our destination. It didn’t take long to feel the effects of the altitude, light-headed, wobbly and weak. We went slow, stopping as needed, which became more and more needed by myself and two others as we gained altitude. It didn’t take long to feel exhausted. Stop. Rest. Drink some water. Hike a few hundred more yards and then stop to rest again. Like a little kid on a car trip, my mind keeps wondering, "How much further to go?" Keep hiking. Suffering builds in muscles, legs, my back, labored breathing.
“OK, I get it. This is part of the vision quest medicine”, I think to myself My challenge is to find a way to accept the fact of suffering but not let it overwhelm me. Find a way to enjoy being alive and being in these beautiful mountains even though physically I am a wreck. “Be thankful you are here. That at your age you can still do this. Remember you are not your body, your feelings, your thoughts, your exhaustion. You are spirit. Love now. It is the only time you can. Be fully present for each rise and fall of every footstep. You can do this. Call on spirit, call on the strength of these mountains to help you keep going. Remember, a spiritual warrior uses everything to grow in the ways they want to grow. You want to be more peaceful, more joyful, more loving. Do it now while under this stress. Deconstruct your ego’s attempt to feel sorry for itself. You are not your ego so go deeper. Connect with strength that comes from faith that with spirit’s help you can make it there. Don’t try to do it just on your own.”
I thank my body for the hard work it is doing. “Just get me there and then you won’t have to move again until five days when it's time to hike back out from the mountains to return home. Get there, set up the tent, lay out the sleeping bag and boom, no more physical effort other than walking down to the lake to get fresh water or walking back away from the lake far enough to empty bladder and bowels without endangering the the waters we were all dependent upon for our supply of water."
I almost made it. One hundred yards from basecamp my calves cramp up something terrible. I knew if I walked another step my legs would give out from under me and I would crash to the ground with my still heavy pack adding momentum to my fall. A gift of grace arrived as one of our group who had already reached basecamp and unloaded their pack had walked back to see if anyone needed help. I did. He took my pack which allowed me to walk the final distance unburdened by extra weight. I still barely made it, but I did. I had trouble setting up my tent because my mind and body weren’t working so well. Some of my cylinders weren’t firing. I had to sit down, lean against a granite boulder and just be for awhile. Drink some water. Eat a remaining energy bar that I pulled out of my pants pocket. Gradually I got it together enough to assemble my tent, unfurl my sleeping bag, blow up my sleeping pad and flop down onto the support of the ground totally spent and wiped out. But I was here. Praise Be. I was here.
What a place to be. A gorgeous lake, majestic mountains, blue sky, amazing pine trees rising up into the heights while some non-conformist ones twisted in different shapes as if doing T’ai Chi and holding their positions. It looked like heaven to me.